disenchanted

i asked a man to draw a swallow onto me flying into my heart to remind me to hope that I could believe in God. that in time i would get a better understanding of what that meant for me, and a hope that he keeps his promises.

this fucked up world kicks us back over with mumbai bombings and waking up to death not healing. now the very words hope and promise feel like a mockery. the unknowable 'they' told me it would be easy, implied there would be less pain with an eternal perspective. don't for one moment imply this world is not inutterably wrong, no matter how we strive; if we all strove simultaneously.

a mechanics model says, therefore, there is an equal and opposite resistant force. physics models of the universe say there is a tendency toward chaos, disorder. everywhere i see a tendency toward complacency, apathy that angers me until i too become stilled, chilled.

this is where hope matters. what a fucking easy thing to say. it's darkest before dawn. god of the dark places. no; where the hell is he, come, please. let's not take the lazy path and assume god is the orchestrator of what is happening, to me, to my friends. this glossy christmas colored world owns you and you own it. isn't that what you read in the magazines? you have so many choices, and you're so lucky, let's cook an M&S advert dinner and watch a blockbuster film. you are the world.

we're all captivated by this pretty world. I'm trying to tell you that these past few days I've spent seen more of her, and she's a bitch. you won't believe me because one time she said she liked your belt, your hair looks nice like that, and it made you feel good. like a gullible school boy enchanted.