This is reality, Greg (Bristol)

Having been home for a week and a day, I feel in a position to assess reality.
These days have mostly been spent in bed, where thinking is best done.
On the few occasions when I have stumbled blinking outside - or into other darkened artificial spaces, my path has crossed with that of former friends and acquaintances. I say former, not to suggest they are no longer but that I was doubtful of what we would have in common anymore, I don't know if they are of a former life, or real life...
Certainly other 'travellers' give me a dazed slightly mournful smile that I'm sure is mirrored on my face, implying some mutual understanding. Not just that we had a lovely holiday but now we are poor and we have to get jobs before we whisk our relenting selves to uni.. It's that we saw something. More than 'suffering is terrible and universal' or that 'we have it so lucky'.. You can see that on TV if you want to. Its hard to make this sound normal, but its that the places that we can see in pictures are real and you can walk there and eat that food and talk to those people. Because you can know the topography of Iraq from the maps of offensives, and how the famine in Eithopia was precipitaated by climate, or how Muslim women are treated in Saudi Arabia but how much are these just facts to you without ever being within those places.
Now before I come off all pretentious (oh, too late), that wasn't really what I was thinking about under the covers. It mostly cycled around; how am I going to get enough money to afford a laptop so I can play on the internet from bed, are there anymore crisps I can eat, why do I feel unhappy when this is home, why am I signing contracts for a year in university that I don't want to pursue further.
I got out of bed for 24 hours and in that time, got a trial shift in a french restaurant on Glos. Rd. (tonight - wish me luck)and went to our old Wednesday night hangout. I kneww this was a bad idea, guaranteed to compound my depression about all things souless and local. It's always been full of underagewannabeindie's but that didn't use to matter because that was me and everyone I knew. They're very sweet and charming, and I'm not entirely happy that age's over - I found a wrinkle under my eye before we went.
I wish I could say what's different now.. are we more discerning and less awkward or just pretending to be?



(Dedicated to Neni & Bacsi, inc)